I Am Never, Ever. Ready.
And that’s why I’m starting.
Almost all the stress, mortification, and regret I’ve ever generated for myself is directly traceable to *not feeling ready*…and delaying action because of it.
Sometimes…I stay not ready for a long time.
Sometimes…I don’t even start.
I’m never, ever, ready.
I am in a perpetual state of almost readiness.
Getting out the door for me is a comic dance of one-more-thing-itis.
And yes, it does mean I’m late a lot of the time, when really I’d really rather not be. Sometimes it’s funny, and leads to unexpected hilarity. And sometimes — times I don’t talk too much about — it leads to weeks and months and even years of private self-rebuke, loss, regret.
Yet the things that bring me the most joy in life?
The things that can’t wait. That don’t wait. That happen because they must.
The things I commit to because they might be fun, and do because I said I’d show up. Like playing the goalie on an ice hockey team, or doing a science show for a bunch of kids.
The things that just happen, with or without me. Like flowers opening up, one by one, on a succulent in the window.
Things I have done impulsively, no longer able to wait.
And the things I finally bring into the open because I suddenly realize how long I have hidden, waiting in the false darkness of “I am not ready.”
Heh…like this piece here.
Written February 21, 2015. Last sentences written August 3, 2015. Published…today, Friday November 13, 2015. And this blog? Let’s say I registered the domain name quite some time ago…
The irony is not lost on me. 🙂
But…it’s a process. So here we go…